The fun part about having almost four decades in the martial arts is having the perspective and know-how to actually codify a school. It's scary as heck, since you are by definition a sort of heretic, but there is also this feeling of continuity, because martial arts have been growing and shifting to meet the needs of its students since forever. Back when I was a young black belt, there was no way I could have predicted I would ever be anything other than a traditionalist. My coaches always called my judo "textbook." In fact, my throws were filmed a few times for educational judo videos. Still, there is no room for me within the traditions I learned. There is no place for a trans female judo player in the existing culture--you can legislate rules, but I know all about what can happen between the lines and behind the scenes.
    So I'm going forward. If pursuing martial arts is difficult for me, an ex-national champion and university coach, it must be darned near impossible for a beginner, a queer youth who wants to learn to be strong and fight, but has no guide. So, instead of looking to the people who rejected me, I will dedicate my future teaching and training to those in front of me, who I can help, not in spite of who I am, but exactly because of it.

In a way, it was good that I severely injured my knee. I never had to worry about pursuing competition career in judo. I was a national champion, was offered a judo scholarship in Japan, and an invitation to train at Colorado Springs. But watching the ugliness leveled against transgender athletes makes me want to vomit. I don't know how "fair" it would be for me to compete against cisgender women--that is not my point.

What bothers me is the hatred. The debasement. I know from experience that high-level competition is very intense. People trash talk, use every advantage they can get. I dished out at least as much as I gave, I am sorry to say. But this is different--this is personal. I remember the crap leveled at Ednanci Silva... OMG... And I look at Fallon Fox right now in MMA, and wish her well. She has two good knees, she's competing, and trailblazing for all of us. But it can't be easy.

For now, my competitive career is over. Do I miss it? Of course! OMG, of course! I can point to my knee, at least, and not my gender, but would I have fought harder in rehab if I knew I had a future?

*shrug*

On Grossness and Reason

I would ask that you be careful not to base your reasoning on appearance, or something "just not being right." As women, or people of color, or queers, we know the kind of ignorance that sort of thinking brings.

Yet, I have seen people do the same thing to support what they think might be more enlightened causes. They look at pictures, of gun shows, or meat packing, or oil drilling and go "Ewww! That's not right!" and usually feel some sort of affirmation--that their gut instinct is somehow correct.

Bullshit.

Prejudice in a red state or a blue state is still prejudice. Knee jerk reactions to provocative photos promote oppression and cultural bullying whether the subject is two men kissing, or a processing plant making luncheon meat. It dehumanizes the opposition and reduces it to an object to ridicule and disgust. Surely, we can do better than this.

There is no such thing as justifiable ignorance. Research and support your claims. Present them respectfully, and honestly consider other viewpoints. Engage in reasoned debate. If your viewpoint is tenable, great--you've maybe taught your world something useful. If not, then you've learned something about your world--which is even better. More likely it's a mixture of the two, and, in any case, you are stronger and wiser for the experience.

People are often surprised when they find out that while so many athletes and intellectuals and lawmakers have hewn careers out of being fiercely competitive, they often feel respect, admiration, and even love for their opposition when the issue or the game or the case or the bout has concluded. This is because worthy opposition helps us all be our best. It cleans up our game; it forces us to adapt and grow. This is one of the true gifts of debate, one of the true gifts of being reasonable human beings, and one that is completely lost if we simply mock our opposition and go "Ew! Gross!"

And perhaps we might even agree one day. We might find ourselves on the same side against a common foe, or we might simply be at peace. What then? I would rather bask in the gifts and strengths and common history we have shared instead of feeling ignorant and ashamed for all those stupid things I said, the hurt I caused, and the time we wasted to insecurity, prejudice, and ignorance.

"My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He once wrote: 'Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.' What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black... Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world." 
                                                              --Robert Kennedy, upon hearing of the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friends don't let friends vote Republican this year.

If you're a fiscal conservative, great. If you think private enterprise is the most efficient way to get something done, great. If you think part of keeping the US strong is investing in the military, great. We can have these discussions, and more, later on. But you don't want to vote for these guys. They'll take your ideals and debase them with

 racism, sexism, and jingoism. Worst of all, even those sentiments are just being used to make money for banking and business interests. You know this. So do I. But you can fight this. Find a place for your own conservatism. Claim the term, own it, the way our community did with queer. Go grassroots. Fight. Build coalitions, publish zines. Make your beliefs matter. We need dissent and argument, but between well-informed and vested members of the community. You have four years until the next cycle. And you know, in your heart of hearts, President Obama will not make us a Communist state or sell it to the Muslims. The country will be waiting in 2016. Clean your party or start a new one. Organize! Find your voice and strength. We can argue and debate then. And may the best visions for the country help all of us.

Fuddy duddiness

Maybe I am a fuddy duddy. Maybe I'm a workaholic. Maybe I'm a spoilsport, a killer of dreams, a wet blanket. Maybe I need to go to Disneyland again. But I have to say it.
Most of us will never become movie stars. Even here in Hollywood, most of us will not be discovered by a director, or a music producer. A very few of us might. But not really too likely. We may start in this queer film or that queer film, but are you really expecting to parlay that into major studio success?
Nobody is going to become wealthy and secure by lip synching Lady Gaga, no matter how well. We already have someone who does this. She is called Lady Gaga and, from what I can tell, she performs her own stuff.
Besides, I know people who have succeeded in these businesses. You may know some, too. Most of them are fanatics. They put everything into their art--it's not all glamour--it's a lot of effort and most of it is unnoticed and misunderstood.
I worry about selling such dreams to our queer youth. We are stars and special, and amazing, yes--but to present the dream of success in a field that has destroyed so many--a field where being out is still a career killer--where people are paying their dues night after night without ever being in front of a camera. Are we really doing queer youth a service by saying you can be a star by just coming to our programs and being the fabulous you?
Everyone is fabulous, but that is both a great thing and a problem. Being fabulous is not enough. It takes luck and powerful friends and connections and often being monomaniacal to the point of insanity about your craft. It is not about being too cool for school. It is LIVING at school. Oh, and you can't just be fabulous--you have to be brilliant...gifted. Do you have any idea how GOOD some of these performers are?
When I ask an LGBT youth of color "What do you want to be?" and they reply with Madonna or Gaga or West or Minaj or whateverever, part of me breaks inside. Somewhere, somehow "achievement" has been conflated with "fantasy." If you want to be an actor, great. A musician, great--but do you have the will to practice your craft and get better at it? Day in night in? As in not seeing your friends because you have to practice? As in having door after door shut in your face? As in dealing with all the cruelty the entertainment industry can throw at you?
Some people will say yes, and for them--go for it! But know what you are in for. You are going to be a trailblazer and the odds are that you will fail. If you have it in you, you won't care. In fact, you're probably too busy working to be reading this now.
But for those who want to be a star for the image, the identity, the fun... For those who won't give up partying now--it's just not going to work. And even if it did, chances are, you'd be too fucked up to enjoy it.
I wish we wouldn't present stardom as the end point. I wish we would push continually reaching for excellence. I wish we would talk about working hard for something and getting closer each day. I wish we valued glitter less and determination more. I wish it would be less about building self esteem and more about building literacy. Less about being gorgeous for the cameras and more about improving living conditions.
Most of all, I wish we could present other options to our youth. A queer youth in LA has a greater chance of becoming a doctor, a lawyer, a teacher, a police officer, a restauranteur, a nurse, a CPA... than becoming the next media darling. This sort of excellence does not require luck nor knowing the right people, nor cameras nor glitter.
All it requires is a certain faith...a faith that you will be here tomorrow, and the day after. That if you work hard, you not only can...you will get better. That better means more opportunities and pride for yourself. That is what I wish we would present. That we'd work to help give our youth a faith in their tomorrows, and an accountability to their futures. Flash and glitter fades. Skills, knowledge and wisdom take you forward. Our youth are beautiful, yes... But we can help them be more than that. We can start them on the paths to being wise. We can help them believe that they can grow older, more fulfilled and grateful for every day ahead, that life is not something to burst in a dream, but something that can be nurtured, loved, and raised into ever more meaningful, beautiful and rewarding tomorrows.

Who Watches the Watchers?

??

I don't know...

Probably the same people who electrify the electricians, beautify the beauticians, surge the surgeons, dent the dentists, dog walk the dog walkers, and plumb the plumbers.